July 24th is recognized as World BDSM Day, a day dedicated to destigmatizing the popular practice and shedding light on the pros of this kinky style. We’re putting the spotlight on one of the more extravagant yet refined couples in the Model Program, BDSMlovers91, to see the true colors of BDSM through their black and white art.
Tell us about yourselves! How did you get your start in the industry?
We’re a married couple, 31 years old, and your kinky neighbors next door. We’ve been together since we’re 13 years old, and never separated since. A few months before the world's Covid-19 outbreak, I left my job in order to spend more time with my wife. We figured that this would be the best thing we could do for ourselves, because we mostly just need each other to survive. At this point, we started to explore the BDSM and the kink worlds together, with not even a bit of experience. A few months later, when we were feeling more open about our sexuality, I looked for ways to make money from home. One of the options I came across with was Pornhub's Model Program. We talked about it and both of us felt comfortable enough to share our journey.
What influenced you to first try BDSM?
It actually started on her side. She started reading about BDSM, and it made her curios about this world. She found the term "Shibari"; something about ropes, feelings, emotions, pain, pleasure, care, and release. She was charmed and thought it’d be perfect for us to explore. We’ve been together for about 15 years at this point. She talked about this with me and asked me to read about shibari, bondage and d/s relationships. I was amazed in no time! It was like she found the missing piece of the puzzle. That was the day we decided to order some rope online. The day the rope arrived, was our anniversary day. I was tying her up with no clue what I was doing, but we were so thrilled about it. That was the day we decided to create an Instagram account to share it with like minded people.
What made you want to share it online?
We watched bondage and BDSM porn together to understand how it looks when people are doing it.
The thing that was missing for us was the care; the real emotional connection between the two people besides the act itself. We knew that we didn’t have a lot of experience, but we really wanted to show that BDSM is about communication, trust, connection, real care, and deep emotions. That’s what made us want to geta verified Pornhub account, upload and explore this world.
BDSM is often misunderstood; what are some common misconceptions you want to debunk?
1. BDSM IS NOT JUST GANGBANGS AND ROUGH SEX. You can practice and explore within your own relationship; you don't have to be with multiple partners if it's not for you. It's not just about pain and rough sex either, do what feels good for you and for your partner and not just what you see others doing. It's not about using my force, I want her to be interested to be in the scenarios.
2. Don't go too hard too fast. It's not about how hard or how rough you go; it's about exploring your boundaries and expanding them gradually. Most of the BDSM videos out there start with a ball gag, tied hands and rough whipping. If you’re not ready for it, it can be harmful for your soul.
3. Connection, communication and trust is MUST. You have to trust your partner, no matter from which side of the whip you're at. Communication is about 80% of it. You have to open up your heart, mind and soul in order to let someone else in; this is the key to start exploring this world. Take the time to understand what feels good or bad for each other, take the time to explore, don't be in a rush.
4. No one is born the perfect dom or the perfect sub. It sometimes looks so easy when you're watching porn, but it's not as easy as it looks. It takes a lot of courage in order to feel or give pain. Don't be shy to learn, to read, to talk about how you feel, it doesn't make you lesser. Every situation will teach you something if you’re willing to talk about it with no shame.
5. No is a master. Real masters will never define themselves as Masters. We are all students; we will learn new things until our last day. Keep it real, be yourself, don't define yourself as something you're not.
6. It's not about collars, cages and nicknames. In order to take or give control, you don't have to wear a collar, it's just symbolic. She's my wife before and after everything, I'm her husband before and after everything, we have mutual respect for each other's boundaries, and this is what really matters. It doesn't matter who you are with, the real commitment is more important than the symbolic props and names.
Have you experienced stigma since sharing your work?
The stigma is not necessarily towards us but to BDSM, bondage, kinks, and fetishes. Because of the lack of knowledge some people are scared of watching videos that involve any of those. In my opinion, the industry makes this world look darker and rougher than it is. It leaves out the sensual and connecting moments, which is why less people see the beauty behind it. Not everyone likes what we do, and well, they don't have to. We are aware that people can be mean sometimes, but we have each other to make the best of it. Negativity is not part of our life so just keep moving. Luckily, we don't get a lot of negative comments.
Can you tell us more about the roles of pleasure and pain in your life?
During our journey, we’re learning more about the psychological aspects of sadism and masochism. From her side, to be bounded with rope and to feel pain by me release something in her mind and soul. Things from the past, things from the future, concerns, and bad thoughts. It helps her feel more connected to me, and to trust me even more with taking control of the sexual situation and of our lives as well. From my side, to be able to grant such powerful moments for her brings me a pleasure unlike anything else. Not everyone can handle making another person suffer, and it took time for me to adjust to that. I can't really explain it, but I will say, it makes me feel alive. It's another language of love in my eyes.
There seems to be a lot of equipment in your work. Is BDSM as expensive as it looks?
It can be expensive, but it really doesn't have to be. We started with a wand vibrator, a butt plug and a simple dildo that we had before we even started thinking about BDSM. With no money to buy any fancy stuff we bought a 20m rope and learned how to do DIY BDSM. We couldn’t afford much, but with time and exploring we found new things we wanted to try. We didn’t buy them all at once, each month, we got a few cheap sex toys, and that kept us going. I built the BDSM cage from parts of wood we found on the street, the rope is inexpensive, and we’re using bamboo instead of metal frames. You have to be creative when you're poor. Part of our goals is to show people that anyone can do it at home even without a lot of money.
As a couple, do you have specific roles you always stick to, or do you ever switch who performs what?
It's not roles, it's who we are. I can't and don't want to be in her position and honestly, I admire her for being able to contain all the crazy things I'm doing. She wouldn't want to switch places either. Again, it's just who we are and what works for us.
What’s funny is, our first BDSM experience which made this whole thing snowball, was the night of Valentines Day 2020. She surprised me in the bedroom with handcuffs and teased me. She knew I wouldn’t be able to stand it for long and she’d pay for it, just because she knows me so well. I don’t like to not have control, and she did pay for it. When she uncuffed me, I returned the teasing in the same currency (and some other things). We ended up extremely pleased, knowing exactly which side each one of us prefers to be on.
How do you ensure safety and good communication, especially when bound?
I'm learning all the time. Reading, watching videos, and trying to be as safe as I can before I even start tying her. I always have safety shears for rope in case something goes wrong, and I need to cut the rope. Rope can be replaced; my wife is one of a kind. If I'm not sure about how safe it will be, I’m just not doing it.
Even though we try to do it with minimal words, we are in constant communication; if there is a need or something that feels even a little off, we are talking about it. People will tell you about having a safe word, but to be honest, there is no place for ego and bullshit when things are not feeling good. If something feels wrong, she will tell me right away, with a tone that will make me immediately understand. I never leave her out of my sight if she’s bounded, so if something feels wrong, sometimes before she even tells me I can recognize it by her body language. I always making sure the rope is still in a good spot on her body and didn't move to a place it shouldn't be. I’m always asking if everything is OK if something feels wrong every couple minutes just to make sure. She says that I’m a little overprotective, but better safe than sorry. I always making sure she has a way to tell me if something feels wrong. When her mouth is gagged, we will first talk about other signs that she could use to let me know if something feels wrong.
Besides sexual pleasure, are there other elements you particularly enjoy about BDSM?
BDSM is art. It has many aspects, like aesthetics, learning new things, improving technique with time, bust mostly, it’s an art to be able to get to control and understand yourself and the other person in those situations. We are enjoying how much love and connection it brings, it makes our relationship and dynamic better with every day. The experiences we are going through in those situations make us stronger together.
The second part is the happiness we get from touching so many people’s lives. We get so many messages about how what we do helped them, and it makes us feel like we made the right choice.
When we’re filming, I feel like I'm making art with her body. I'm trying to make it as close to the way I see it in my eyes. The positions, the crazy ideas, along her ability to endure those things is why our videos look artistic. I couldn't make this kind of art if she wasn't such a strong person.
Do you have a favourite BDSM practice?
Our favorite is to try as many new things as we can, every time is a different experience. Routine is vanilla, we are more extreme than that. We are not scared to try things we didn’t like again; we’re always working to keep it in interesting and kinky.
How has the dynamic of your relationship changed since sharing your sex lives online?
Like everything in life, there’s ups and downs, but overall, we are a happier and stronger couple. We are working on our relationship with a lot of communication. There is always room to be better.
How do you prepare for shoots?
I’m always thinking of new ideas for “traps” as we call it. We have time for practice, and we have time for fun. We spend time practicing tying every day, and this is what makes the situations go easier when I’m deciding on an idea for a new trap. When I have an idea and I want to film it, she gets ready while I'm preparing the rest. Sometimes it takes more time than I had planned, but she’s always patient and enjoys watching me work on an idea. Most of the time she has no clue what I’m planning. I will be honest and say that not everything works every time, and some things require more than a single try until they work. I failed a LOT, but with her support and will to be there, I never give up.
Our mood depends on many things, but it’s like a dance. I'm leading the way and reading the feedback. If she's not in the right mood for something, I can feel it, see it, hear it, no words needed.
I can't just go rough or make her feel pain if she's not ready for it, physically and mentally. When I'm tying her, I'm close to her, I'm touching her and trying to understand what her body wants and needs
I'm leading the way and reading the feedback; sometimes it tells me to slow down, sometimes it tells me to go rougher - the control is mine, but she’s the one that gives me this privilege every single time.
What has been your favorite part of joining the Pornhub Model Program?
Our favorite part of joining the Pornhub Model Program is the stage it gave us to be ourselves and do what we do. We’re an anonymous couple, no one knows about what we do, not even a single friend, and we became a fucking symbol of BDSM for tons of people. We thought that no one would want to watch us; we had nothing but a phone camera and a lamp. All we needed was a platform to show people the real side of the BDSM.
Is there something you haven’t tried yet but want to?
Funnels. I already bought few kitchen funnels, but we haven’t played with them yet. If you wonder what can be so kinky about kitchen funnels, just search it up on Pornhub. Now imagine this in our style. Spoiler: Look out for a video of us trying this soon!
What advice do you have for other couples wanting to try BDSM or incorporate toys in their sex life?
Start with talking about things. Things you want to try, things you don’t want to try, things you will never do, things you want to do but don't feel quite ready yet, just talk and be honest with each other and with yourself.
Don't judge. Every one of us has things that are turn-ons, even if it is complicated to explain or even understand. Never judge, even if it turns you off.
Take your time. Don't jump to do things you're not ready to do yet. Don't rush to get to a place that takes time to get to.
Keep learning. Learn the risks, don't do anything you are not sure about, don't try to copy things because it looks hot, be aware and carful for your partner.
Care. People call it "aftercare" but from our eyes, the care shouldn't be just after, but all along the way, not just when you're in a sexual situation, kind of "All-the-time-care". If she feels she can trust me and she’s safe with me all the time, she’ll be more willing to release and give me control in the bedroom. So, be caring to each other, don't forget to hug and kiss, don't forget to love, don't forget to enjoy. Both sides need support from time to time, it's all about caring for each other. Don't EVER stop talking about how things feel.
What do you think has been the main benefit of BDSM in your lives?
It gave us the ability to be open with each other, to be our true selves, to stop being shy about our feelings and the things we want to try. It’s amazing how wide it opened our hearts. After 15 years in a relationship, we discovered a whole new world together; we’re a better couple and better team.
We've been through a lot of rough times during our lives, and that's part of what made us to keep going.
There’s a lot more to BDSM than 50 Shades of Grey; it's more than collars, rough sex, nicknames and gangbangs, it's about being yourself. We can finally show, in black and white, the true colors of the BDSM world.
Keep up with BDSMlovers91 on Twitter: @bdsmlovers91 and Instagram: @bd.smlovers91
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